I Love You Angels, But If You Take My Phone Charger One More Time, I Will End You

I always knew I’d become a mother. The number of children I wanted changed from time to time but never the fact that I would have them. I’d imagine their chubby little faces swaddled in soft blankets of blue or pink. They’d look into my eyes and hold my finger in their tiny little hands. I’d feed them and love them as they grew. We’d hold hands running through fields of wildflowers loving each other until the end of time.

What I DIDN’T envision were sticky little fingers SWIPING ALL MY CRAP! They’re barely preschoolers when it begins! “Mom, can I play your phone? Mom, can I play the Ipad?” (And that’s if they even bother to ask.) Half the time you spend an hour looking for the dang things before it occurs to you to check the hands of everyone under four feet tall in your house! Maybe we should get them each their own? That’ll solve the problem! HA!! Nice try! Their devices only work with Wifi. What on earth are they supposed to do during that 4-minute drive to the grocery store, you animal!?! That’s right…reach into that purse and hand that sucker right on back, mom.

It only gets worse as they get older. I thought I’d earned my World’s Best Mom status when we gave my middle-schooler a phone for his birthday. I charged it up, entered all our contacts in it and assigned his ringtone to the theme of The Regular Show, his favorite show at the time. While he was opening it, I called it over and over to make it sing the song really jazzing up the moment. He was ecstatic…like jump up and down ecstatic. Phew!! Finally, my phone and my freedom were mine again….right?

Wait, has anyone seen my charger? What the friggen, frackin, frickety, frang? That little snot-nosed body-wrecking monster took. my. charger. Ok, calm down, this is fixable. I’ll just order a dozen phone chargers on Amazon Prime Now. They’ll be here in two hours….it’s going to be okay. Good try my friend, good try. It doesn’t matter if you buy a charger for every outlet in your home, you will never have a functioning charger again. You’ll spend 30 minutes searching the house to FINALLY find one under a bed somewhere. It’s 12 inches long but hey, you’re not complaining! Ohhhh, you wanted a charger that was functional? Sorry girl. Try plugging it in, flipping it upside down over a box to hold it steady…a little to the left….there you go! Oh, nope, it stopped charging.

Of course, the thievery isn’t limited to cell phones and their accessories. Remember when you wanted that amazing little girl? That little mini-you whose hair you could fix and nails you would paint. You imagined dress shopping for prom, endless nights talking about boys and her standing at her wedding to thank you personally (in tears, of course) for being an incredible mother and her best friend? Yeah, she’s in your closet and she’s commandeering every single decent shirt, dress and name-brand pair of boots you own. Those Manolo Blahniks you went back into the store to try on six times but felt too guilty spending that much money on shoes. You finally justified your mom guilt by vowing they’d be your birthday, anniversary and Christmas presents the next 2 years and you finally took them home. You’ve only worn them twice. You clean them after each use and store them in their original box. Yeah, they’re in a pile of Target specials and flip-flops under four dirty t-shirts, dangerously close to a melted cherry slushy in your daughter’s walk-in-closet. You have your clothes stuffed into a 10 ft. x 2 ft. indent that you also share with your husband while she dances around in her walk-in closet under the lighting of a pink crystal chandelier. But hey, go ahead and throw all your crap and mine in a pile on the floor. That’s cool.

So, thank you Lord for these wonderful blessings you have bestowed upon me. They are the light of my life. I don’t know who I would be if not their mom. But Lord, if they steal my crap one more time…..hell hath no fury like a mother without a phone charger and her only pair of Jimmy Choos. ❤ ❤ ❤

**Full Disclosure
I am the least girly of all girls. In writing this post, I had to text two of my best friends who happen to be sisters. They have been dressing me, fixing my hair and doing my make-up for every fancy occasion in the past 23 years including my wedding where I literally wore Tiff’s wedding dress while she and Skye did my hair, make-up and acted as my photographers. I asked for a name brand of shoes people would recognize. They know me and they love me as I am so they didn’t even question – they just shot back several examples. Thank you Skye and Tiffany, my sisters from another mister.
Find their makeover page on facebook: www.facebook.com/SWBmakeovers

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